too bad you live with your parents still
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
