they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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