I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
