my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize