I never want to see another naked old woman again.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
