god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
