hotel room ftw
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize