Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize