the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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