i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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