I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
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