Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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