When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
