How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
