I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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