I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize