he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
