question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
