I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
