I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
