I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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