you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
