How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize