Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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