...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
