the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
