I heard we made out
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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