They should really pass out barf bags in church
I could have mohawked her pubes.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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