I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize