I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
