i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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