Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
