I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I think my moral compass just broke
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
