I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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