she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
