I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
