I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
