"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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