he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
3pm strippers are depressing
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
