I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
