if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Houston, we have a squirter
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
