This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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