we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Randomize
