he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
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