He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
