Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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