I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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