it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
