new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
