i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
