U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
