Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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