Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
