Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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