Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
