I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
