he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
