I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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