you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
