haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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