Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
