I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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