Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
