don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
