It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
