Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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