It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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