everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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