tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
