Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
