Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
