Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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