new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
