Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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